The Fake News from Spain
Spanish Socialists Agree on Terms of Surrender
Newly elected Socialist Leader Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero announced today that his party’s new cabinet had agreed on the terms of an unconditional surrender to al-Qaeda and would recognize Osama bin Laden as Spain’s first Islamic emir since 1492. The Spanish Foreign Ministry said that an emissary was en route to Pakistan’s Northwest Frontier Province to deliver the surrender document, which declares Spain to be a part of the Islamic Ummah as of midnight, March 20th.
Rodriguez said that he would lead a caretaker government until the arrival of al-Qaeda occupation forces from the Madrid suburbs. All churches would be required to close immediately, and all women would be required to be in full burka before the transfer of power. Fabric stores reported long lines for bedsheets in a variety of spiffy but muted pastel colors.
“The people of Spain have spoken,” said Rodriguez at the surprise news conference, which came less than a week after a Socialist election upset of Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar’s Popular Party following a string of al-Qaeda linked bombings that killed over 200. “The voters have sent a clear message to this violent, shadowy organization that caused us so much death and suffering: ‘We surrender!'”
The reaction of one Spanish voter was typical. Asked why he voted for the Socialists, one 42 year-old man, who asked not be identified, wet his pants, curled into the fetal position, and cried “!Mami! !Mami!” One woman, interviewed at the funeral of the last of six of her family members who died in last week’s bombing, expressed approval for the new government’s decision. “While I had initial reservations over the whole burka thing, it’s a small price to pay to free ourselves from the influence of this uncompromising, rightist, war-mongering Yanqui President. Now, we will be ruled by an a tyrannical, mysoginistic, terrorist emir who nonetheless provides consistently excellent day care.”
Interviewed from an undisclosed location in a valley six miles north and twelve miles east of the Pakistani village of Jarkik in the Chitral District of the Northwest Frontier Province of Pakistan, Bin Laden hailed his first-ever election victory by slightly raising his one remaining limb and uttering in a raspy croak that he would be a leader for all of the people of Spain who pray dutifully five times per day, obey the fatwas of the emir, and sacrifice themselves for the jihad . . . and behead the rest of them in his first 100 days in power.
Another senior Al-Qaeda offical, known only as Abu Hafs The Mauritanian, expressed his more qualified approval of the Spanish decision. “I am pleased that Spain has prostrated itself before our Holy Caliphate. Praise be to Allah, soon the streets of Madrid will run with blood of ever more unbelievers! But where will be find seventy-two virgins in a secular European country? Even if all of our martyrs must share the same seventy-two virgins, we foresee difficulty forming a quorum without substantial outsourcing.”
Some observers worried that the result could worsen relations between the United States and occupied Spain. Spain’s Foreign Minister sought to differentiate between disagreement with American policies and anti-Americanism, which he denied has played a part in the result. “We Europeans love Americans . . . as long as they’re scared, vulnerable, or dying,” he said.
The Foreign Minister also extended its thanks to neighboring France for providing invaluable technical assistance, including numerous examples of air-tight surrender documents. “We see this as a great victory for French diplomacy, the dawn of a new tomorrow in Spain’s relationship with Europe, of which France is the undisputed leader and moral torch-bearer,” said French Foreign Minister Dominique De Villepin.